Flew in from Miami Beach B.O.A.C. didn't get to bed last night....
Hello you young American men and women out there. Have you ever thought about a career in the United States Secret Service? Travel, adventure, fun – a much better uniform than the Navy. Better sunglasses than the
MIB. Protecting the Leader of the Free World and his rocking family.
Now, recently you may have heard some news about the Secret Service. But maybe you've never been to Colombia. Anyway, you can't believe what you read in the papers. We call them informants. We pay for information. Access. Corporations pay politicians. Cartels pay politicians. Police, the FBI and the Secret Service pay informants. It's the way of the world. And we need to be informed about the seedy Colombian underworld in order to better protect the President.
"Worthy of Trust and Confidence." That's our motto.
And we do great parties!
The Secret Service is a great honor and tradition. We leap in front of bullets. We don't notice Monica Lewinsky in the crowd, if you know what I mean. We are discreet. Professional. We take our job seriously.
Those Colombian girls really knock me out, they leave D.C. behind, those Bogota girls make me sing and shout I've got M-m-m-m-m-Medellin on my mind.
So now, because we got caught doing our job, we have some dozen openings for a few cool hot-blooded American men and women. We're looking for exceptionally good looking people who can look good with the Commander in Chief at fundraising events, summits and secret trips to McDonalds when he just can't help himself anymore.
The President is a rock star. Is anyone going to disagree with that? This President is a rock star. Bigger than the Big Dog, and no it isn't. Bush wasn't a rock star as much as a little kid who could never learn not to play in traffic. The President is a rock star. What do rock stars do? Okay, now this President does not blow blow or cheat cheat. He's really rather boring in that respect. But he's an exception. So we've got to stay trained, in tune and on the prowl. You never know when we'll have the privilege of another Kennedy on our hands. And I wasn't even born then, okay? So don't ask me any questions about any of that. It's classified.
Secret Service agents must agree to put themselves in compromising positions all the time. It's part of the job. Sometimes you've got to hide under the bed for six or seven hours. Sometimes you've got to taste the food for poison. Sometimes you've got to risk a roll in the hay to assure that trust and confidence which we pride ourselves. Imagine an untapped informant with important information to divulge. But you can't talk because the Russians bugged the room so you've got to devise other ways to communicate. Sign language. Body language. The Vulcan Mind Meld if you know what I mean.
So don't read what you believe in the papers. We were doing advance work to protect the President. Investigating, probing, surveilling, canoodling, prying and caressing every possible morsel of value we can glean for His security.
Honest. So, if you're young, good-looking, ripped, like to party and are able to overlook certain fundamental values and ethics, the Secret Service wants you.